18 days

18 days until my baby boy is less baby, more kid. E is turning one year old a couple Saturdays from now, and both Jeremy and I have begun that whole "Our baby isn't going to be a baby much longer" kind of thing that I imagine most all parents do. Jeremy has been more emotional than I've been so far, but I'm pretty sure it's because I'm repressing an ocean of heartache until the actual day of his birthday. That's just how I roll. Oops, just writing that created a bit of a leak, figuratively and literally.

My goodness, his first year is almost done. And with it, so many other things, too numerous to write down here.

What I'll miss:

His dependence on us. He loves to go to other people now, and enjoys the company of others. And I know that will continue more and more, as he starts to have a life apart from us.

Nursing. He's still going strong, don't get me wrong, but it's less frequently now, and not as sweet as before, unless he's sleepy. He's usually smacking me or trying to grab his feet, and my. goodness. those. teeth.

Cuddling with him. I think this will come back, but for now that kid wants to MOVE. In the morning, when WE are feeling most cuddly, he's just psyched to see his toys after being away from them all night.

I don't know... He was my BABY. And now he's getting to be a little boy. And while I've made the decision to embrace his growing up, to celebrate the upcoming year with all our might on the 8th, it's the past year that will be on my mind too. And I don't think that will change in the coming years.

And I really do want to celebrate his getting older. He's going to be a fine boy and a good man someday. And I am looking forward to getting to know him more and more and more.

And yet, tears for now.

back to school

No, I'm not going back to school. I'm still staying at home with my babe, hopefully for a long time. But the other day, Sunday, I suddenly felt that longing to be back in classes, drinking coffee during early morning work, reading new literature with a new bespectacled professor, walking on campus in the approaching autumn air. Yum.

Jeremy hates this time. Even seeing the back to school commercials on television gives him a mild stomachache. But for me, it feels like new beginnings; it has a crispness, a cozy comfort to it. I do miss graduate school.

And so I'm trying to harness this feeling to help me begin again working on my thesis. I have not felt the inspiration for the project, and apparently my lack of discipline will not get me any further. Imagine that. If there's no romance to a project, then, for me, it probably won't get done. I need this magical school air to help me along.

3 more months

Yep. We found out this morning. The appraiser deemed our house "Not Finished Enough." We have three more months to finish it up.

So...there it is. It's plenty of time to do what we have left to do. And yet...

We wanted to put the period on to this long, run-on sentence. And hopefully, in three months we can do so. It's a disappointment for us, but only emotionally, I think. We really aren't going to do anything differently than we already were. The hard part is definitely over.

Thank you to everyone that helped like crazy during the frenzy of this last month/months/year/years. It's no exaggeration to say that we wouldn't be nearly as close to the end without you. I really, really, really couldn't begin to say how much we appreciate the family and friends who have stuck with us during this project.

photo credit: dn.jy productions

distant

You probably haven't noticed that I haven't posted lately, but I have. This blog flits in and out of my mind every once in awhile... and yet I haven't been able to bring myself to the computer to write a post.

I think it's because we're still in the same place that we have been for so long, and I can hear myself harping on "The House". Have you noticed that I don't call it "Our Home"? Or even, "Our House"? I have. It's still this thing that we're doing; a never ending project hanging over our heads. A perpetual full-time burden that we've been fighting against (with? for?) for over two years now.

So that's why I haven't written. I'm tired of talking about it, of explaining what it is that is so draining to/on us as a family, of being alternately defensive for our decision to buy, and a bully to our two-years-ago selves for what now seems like a miss. Or was it? Jeremy and I still haven't decided.

Our appraisal was yesterday. We're still waiting to find out what decision the bank makes-- done enough? Or still more work until they'll label it "finished" and give us a regular home loan and a freedom (mental and physical) to go on with our lives as mere homeowners instead of contractors? We hope to hear by the weekend.

It doesn't seem real yet, and it won't until we find out our fate. Regardless, "The House" is almost done, really and truly, and soon we'll be moving upstairs-- giving our boy his own space, full of color and room and, and, and. And Jeremy and I will finally have our space too. We can't wait to have a bedroom again, and a full-time marriage.

I hope that someday this house will have a new name. And I hope that the next time I write here, it will not be about anything but Elias, or a new recipe I've found, or how we've chosen to decorate our home. And hopefully, since I'll be writing about fun things, I won't be so distant from this place.

army crawl

We've got about two weeks left on the house. At least, that's what the bank says we have :-) And I really think Jeremy might pull it off. What a stud. What a crazy, exhausted, stud.

Or, what a crazy-exhausted stud. (Ah, the nuances of punctuation.)

There have been so many times in the last two years that I couldn't even look forward to being done with the house. It just seemed (and in reality, was) too far away to be real. But in the last couple of weeks, Jeremy and I have started to believe that this all might be real. That soon we'll be able to look forward to weekends that feel like weekends. To go on day trips with our boy. To have a date night without feeling guilty about the time taken for it.

It's a crazy, exhilarating feeling.

And no, we're not there yet, and, yes the next few weeks will be a bit--er--hellish. But we're going to get there. It's actually true. I'm feeling thankful and relieved and oh-so-ready for this next season.

well.

I'm sitting here at this computer, willing myself not to fall asleep before 8 p.m. Last night was the first night E did a good job sleeping in a long time. But! I'm so used to being up with him, I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep. Sigh. We'll see how tonight goes.

Jeremy is upstairs working hard. Our house (as per our agreement with our bank) has to be "finished" by July 22. That's almost an even month from now. And while a few weeks ago I/we had no hope that it would be finished, we kind of do now. Don't get me wrong, it will be TIGHT in every sense of the word. But it may be finished... if not that day then probably a week from it. I can't describe to you the joy that flits up from my heart at thinking that this period of our lives may be over. The house will not be finished finished, but enough that we can relax a bit. And enough that Jeremy won't feel guilty for not working on it every second he has free.

And our church conference is this week. I feel like every year it creeps up behind me and catches me unawares, which means that it takes awhile to feel a part of what's going on there. Going to attempt to meditate and pray about it during the next 24 hours. I want to be a part of it from the beginning. I know that I need this-- we need this. And I don't want to miss out. Although-- it will be interesting having a baby this time. Goodness; having a child, it just changes absolutely everything about everything about everything, doesn't it?

Speaking of my child:

I love this picture. That gummy smile is not-so-gummy anymore, though. The kid has four teeth. I canNOT believe it.

happenings

So, you remember, this happened:

And so our three week stay at my parents happened:

During which Easter happened:

And the bridal shower happened:

And also Mother's Day happened:

And then we went home. :-)