I'm sitting here in our apartment, back from class, watching a sitcom, digesting my second dinner of Raisin Bran, and watching my poor dear husband do work at home, which he shouldn't have to do. Lately, life has not been busy, exactly, just... full. And not in a good way. We are both doing things that are not the real things, like the things that we want to do or that we feel we are supposed to do. I don't know if that makes sense. He's working (at home) on a job he can't stand. And then at night and on the weekends he's working on a house that we aren't living in. I'm cleaning an apartment that we'll move out of soon, hopefully, and I'm working at school and pretty soon on a thesis that I don't really care about anymore, or that at least won't be a part of my life in the very near future. We aren't having dinner with friends. We aren't beautifying our home. We don't HAVE a home. We aren't going out on Friday nights. We don't feel like we're living, I think. Just going through the motions, waiting for the next season to (finally) begin.
I guess that shows a clear picture of where we are, really. Waiting and frustrated by our lack of movement. I don't know that we're hopeless, but I think we may be close. Maybe that means we're almost there? Almost to the Promised Land? (Or, at least to Move-In Day?)
I know feeling this way must seem strange, as we're having a baby soon. You would think that we feel like things are moving, happening. But that doesn't feel real yet. It feels like it can't be real yet, because not only are we not ready, we are REALLY not ready. We aren't in a place to even prepare, yet. I mean, I'm doing my best to prepare emotionally, but when nothing else is in place physically, there doesn't seem to be a place, literally and figuratively, to prepare mentally. And that's just going to have to be okay, at least for the time being. Maybe if I write it again, we'll all believe it.
It's just going to have to be okay (deep breath) for the time being.
I know that it is not hopeless. We are not alone. We are not stagnating. We are just waiting. And that's okay, for the time being.