Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
When Elias was first born, I thought that most of the painful, hard stuff would be over. I mean, I knew I would be sleepy, and wouldn't know what I was doing for awhile, etc., etc., but I was looking forward to the mostly physical stuff being over: being so uncomfortable, ending the pre-eclampsia symptoms, and that sort of thing.
But when we started to nurse, it quickly became apparent something was wrong. He wasn't getting what he needed; he fell asleep as soon as we started, and I couldn't for the life of me wake him up; he started losing weight. Then the doctor told me that I needed to supplement him with formula. I can't really express how much this hurt my heart. I had been looking forward to nursing as I had been looking forward to Elias! I loved the simplicity of being able to continue to feed my baby with my body alone, and I longed for the quiet closeness of feeding time.
There was none of that in the early weeks. I cried, he cried; we struggled with the supplementer. Feeding him took well over an hour, and then I would pump afterwards to stimulate more milk. I took (and still take) herbal supplements. I would set my alarm to wake him up at night to eat. It was harder than pregnancy and labor put together. The hardest was giving him formula. I know that formula is an amazing product, that it keeps babies alive, it even helps them thrive. But to see that he needed more than me to do that, killed me. I wanted him to have my milk. And it hurt that he was just as excited about formula as he was about what I had to give.
He's not having to be supplemented anymore because I have enough to give him. And that has been AMAZING. I've started to gain the benefits of those hard, hard hours of work.
But this whole situation made me think about God, and about how He nourishes me. Now the two situations are so different: Elias DID need something more in the beginning. But again, he seemed to like the formula just as much as the milk that I produced for him. And I thought about God, and how He has this perfect food for us: it nourishes and grows us better than anything else could. And yet, for me, and probably for others too, it's not enough. I need more. I need Jeremy and my comfort and pretty clothes and people to take care of me. I need, I need, I "need". And do I love those other things as much as I love God? I take less of His perfect food, made just for me, because He provides those other things for me as well. Because He is kind and gracious. And those other things together can be part of His nourishment of me, but I think that many times I start to look to those things first. I look to the formula first, instead of the other way around.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
On the bottom left is Baby's belly. Follow that up diagonally and there's his little round chin and then a big beautiful pair of lips that he's got all pushed out and his nose is more in the shade. His arm is on the right, over the left side of his face.
He's had his arm up since the beginning, which is actually really sweet because I tend to do that a lot. He'll probably come out like that, making me work harder in delivery!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Jeremy felt the baby kick for the first time tonight! Such a sweet, sweet moment for him, I'm sure, but especially for me, to be able to share that with him.
These pictures were taken by Jeremy just a few days ago, after he realized that he could have some fun with "The Bump."
He's going to have so much fun playing with our kids.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Speaking of alive and chaos and movement-- I have a baby in my tummy. You know how I know? I felt it kicking this morning in a very real "My baby just kicked me from the inside of my body" kind of way. I had my hand on my stomach and actually saw it MOVE once. If that's not alive (for the baby) and chaotic (for me) I don't know what is. The only times I've felt he/she kick is when I've been praying for them. I know it's because he/she feels their Heavenly Father loving on them and spending time with them and giving them the nourishment that they need, and I'm so glad, because I want them to know that they are His, and I want them to know that feeling of belonging and love from the very second they are able.
Being pregnant and expecting a baby feels absolutely nothing like I thought it would. It's so much scarier and overwhelming than I thought it would be. And I know that it will be okay and wonderful and normal all very soon, but I'm not there yet, neither of us are. And I guess that's a part of the process too.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Why is it that making yourself lunch is almost better than someone else making lunch for you? Maybe you're thinking: "Well, I don't know if I agree..." First of all, thank you for disagreeing with me so politely! Second of all, I think it's because I can make it just the way I want it, aesthetically and ingredient-wise. And thirdly, and most importantly, I think it's because I am taking time out of my day to do something nice for myself. It's like it's worth it for me to spend a reasonable amount of time doing something just for me--like I am worth it. And it does make me feel special, and well-fed, and totally satisfied.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
For example: I used to adore big thunderstorms. I would go outside, feel the wind in my hair, and would be so excited, so exhilarated by the feeling of freedom, alone in a big, dangerous world. I felt bigger than myself, a part of something so wild, without boundaries. Now I check the news minute-by-minute, listening for the town sirens warning of a tornado or hail or heavy winds. I wonder when Fear crept its way into that part of my spirit. And what other parts of me have been infiltrated or damaged or simply unalterably changed by its presence there.
When I remember how I used to feel, I'm scared in a different way about what that means for my heart and spirit. What kind of wife I am now, what kind of mother I will be... I don't know what has happened, or what I need to do to regain that wildness I used to experience, but I know that it's missing now, and that I'm desperate for it to reappear.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I guess that shows a clear picture of where we are, really. Waiting and frustrated by our lack of movement. I don't know that we're hopeless, but I think we may be close. Maybe that means we're almost there? Almost to the Promised Land? (Or, at least to Move-In Day?)
I know feeling this way must seem strange, as we're having a baby soon. You would think that we feel like things are moving, happening. But that doesn't feel real yet. It feels like it can't be real yet, because not only are we not ready, we are REALLY not ready. We aren't in a place to even prepare, yet. I mean, I'm doing my best to prepare emotionally, but when nothing else is in place physically, there doesn't seem to be a place, literally and figuratively, to prepare mentally. And that's just going to have to be okay, at least for the time being. Maybe if I write it again, we'll all believe it.
It's just going to have to be okay (deep breath) for the time being.
I know that it is not hopeless. We are not alone. We are not stagnating. We are just waiting. And that's okay, for the time being.