Tuesday, September 27, 2011

lucky girl

I'm so hard on myself. I'm finding more and more that the way that I speak to myself and think about myself is actually pretty rough, and even, I imagine, harmful.

How am I understanding this? Because of the way my husband talks to me. So often I feel like I'm a horrible person, one who makes really poor decisions out of selfish desire and low self-esteem. One who can't get it right, no matter how hard I try. And then Jeremy speaks to me, and he sounds so completely different than the voice inside my head, who's calling me an absolute idiot.

In fact, Jeremy's voice, his kindness and grace that is spoken to me when I'm down, sounds so much like God's voice. His is the voice of comfort, and forgiveness, and kindness when I'm feeling at my worst. And in that kindness, He gives me Jeremy, to over and again emphasize to me just how good He is to me. And how much He likes me.

When Jeremy and I were first married, I started having something like panic attacks thinking about his death. We've already established that I'm morbid, yes? I just kept thinking about what a comfort Jeremy is to me. It's indescribable, really, that sense of warmth and safety and comfort that he brings to my heart. And to think of losing that... Anyway, some friends were praying for me, and for a minute during, their voices faded out, and His came in loud and clear: that He was the one who brought Jeremy to be that comfort to me. It's been Him all along. And if Jeremy were to be gone--and someday he really will be--God will bring that comfort to me in another way. Because it's Him that is my comfort. Jeremy is just the one He's using right now to bring it to me.

Anyway, I'm only really thinking about this because I bought a $15 mirror at Target just now, and money is just so tight, and I was sick about it ever since I put it in the cart. And then I had to tell Jeremy what I had done. And what did he say after I had verbally abused myself all the way home, vowing to return it?



And that was it. I could have just cried a little; it was such a relief to hear a note of grace after all the other garbage in my mind.

And so I'm feeling thankful for a good husband, and a kind God, and that I get to live this life with both of them by my side. Thankful, thankful, thankful.


  1. As I read this there are tears in my eyes and I am smiling from ear to ear. I know that feeling of morbid panic. I know that abusive inner voice. Thank God for wonderful husbands to balance us!

  2. I crying as I read this...I've been there so many times. God's grace always amazes me. love you.