pear

Like I said: ample

Jeremy left a little while ago for an overnight trip with his friends to Saint Louis. They're going to go up together in a big van for Matt's bachelor party, then go to a game and dinner. I expect him home tomorrow afternoon.

And I'm totally being a cry-baby about it. I haven't had much time with Jeremy lately, and I certainly haven't had any time with my girlfriends for a seriously long time. Like, months. So, I'm sitting in the middle of (literally-- it's all around me) this huge pile of laundry, thinking about how dirty the kitchen is, and the grocery list that has to be made, and the two really grumpy kids that are going to wake up soon, and I'm pretty bummed. I'm bummed that I don't get time with Jeremy, that I am starving for some girl time, that I'm desperate for a clean, organized home, and that I could use a buffer (but won't get one) with these kiddos.

What can I do though? Besides cry, I may have already done that. I'm going to read back over my post from yesterday, since I obviously need to be reminded about renewing my attitude. I think I'm going to pop some popcorn for Elias as a special treat. Maybe we can watch a movie since it's so dreary outside, or maybe just take a walk amid the mist and the puddles. And I'm totally going to get the girliest chick flick on Netflix tonight after the kids go to bed and decimate any Easter candy that Jeremy has left around-- finders keepers, sucka.

And as soon as Mayumi comes home from Japan, I'm snagging her and Colleen and making them hang out with me. I need some girl time.

ample opportunity

Anyone else have a bad attitude about waking up? I'm not really a morning person, but I'm definitely not a night owl either... I like peaceful mornings, mornings filled with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, NPR's Morning Edition on the radio, mist above the wet grass outside.

What did this morning look like? Elias knocking loudly on his door at 5:45 am. Jeremy sleeping through it. Josiah sleeping lightly, so that that I had to get up just in order to get E to stop knocking, so that the baby wouldn't wake up too. I told Elias he couldn't get up yet... so he started crying. Changing his diaper in his bed, praying with him, leaving him there and heading back to my bed. Where I fumed. How dare Elias wake up that early? How dare Jeremy sleep through it, especially since I had already been up with Josiah, twice, in the night?

I've talked a little bit about Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches before; it's such a good (nonfiction) book about motherhood. She delves into this idea somewhere, where we as moms can go ahead and stop being angry about not getting enough sleep, because-- guess what? It doesn't help. We aren't going to get a lot of sleep for awhile, as in years. So why get mad about it?

Elias wakes up excited-- excited to see Daddy and Mommy and Josiah. Excited to eat breakfast and drink his milk with a straw. Excited to watch Curious George and to play with his tractor. Excited to see what the day will bring, knowing that he's going to have fun. My attitude couldn't be further from this. I wake up tired-- and a little mad about being tired-- knowing that I'm going to have to get Elias, to change diapers, to fix breakfast, to do, to do, to do.

I laid in bed this morning-- I knew Elias wasn't going to back to sleep, and neither was I-- praying about my attitude. I want to wake up in the morning and be excited-- excited to see Elias and Josiah. Excited about getting my first hug from Jeremy. Excited about my first cup of coffee and eat whatever yummy thing I had in store for breakfast. Excited to spend the day outside with my boys, discovering and playing and cuddling. Excited for whatever small but sweet time I had to spend with the Lord. Why am I not more excited?

I'm pretty sure it's my attitude that says it's too hard-- whatever is in store for me today is too hard, too much work. My goodness, what a lie that is. Because it must not be too hard (at least, not most days!), since I do it every day. And every day I make it to the end. So it's not too hard-- it's just my life. And a pretty good one, I'd say.

I'm going to work this attitude thing out, you guys. I don't want to miss one more beautiful morning with these three boys of mine.

the kind of daddy

Around here, we have the kind of daddy who puts The Avett Brothers on the record player and dances with his boys when he gets home from work.

a promise

"Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your lap. For with the same measure that you measure it shall be measured to you again" (Luke 6:38).

For those of us in the thick of it with our sweet babies, just starting to form the calluses on our hands with the constant work of motherhood, this is a weighty promise. I read it today in this book, and was struck by it as hard as if it had been a punch to the head. It all feels like so very much sometimes (not all the time, but sometimes), so much sacrifice, so much effort, to work with these little ones, trying our best to show them the love of the Father. The Lord promises us that He sees it. He promises us that it is not in vain. He promises us that He thinks it is so worthwhile, that he makes sure every moment of it is added to the ledger. To know that God honors so much this work of ours, work that often feels unseen and undervalued by our culture, and even by us...

I am speechless-- His goodness is overwhelming.

Shifting focus

The news has been hard lately. I notice that I tend to absorb difficult events and sad emotions more than others, so I've been feeling heavy this last week. It feels like too much, and in reality, it is. So I'm turning off the news for the rest of the day, and I'm choosing to focus on my own little family. I think this is okay.

We've had a hard morning-- two tired, cranky, emotional boys, so the morning has been full of tears and tantrums and a frustrated mama. I'm sure what's been going on in our nation has had its effect in making me feel more on edge, further away from joy. Going to try to focus on what these kiddos need today, from me and from the Lord.

Don't feel guilty about turning your eyes from suffering sometimes. We give our comfort to others in any way we can, bear burdens in whatever way we can, offer the prayers we are able to give, and then turn to focus on the work closest to our own hands.

This is mine.